Sex Column: A lifetime of sexual discovery and personal growth

MY sexual journey is just that, a journey. It has changed as I have gotten older and wiser. I lost my virginity when I was 20. Don’t you just love the language of sex? I lost it, as if it fell out of my pocket, never to be found again.

I am lucky my first experience was wonderful. It was with a man I loved. We’d spent ages heavy petting. I’d gone onto the pill; we’d discussed it and eventually took the plunge. It was kind, gentle and sweet. I believe it sets the tone for the rest of my journey.

Once we broke up, I was still at university and needed to taste what else was out there. This was at the time when HIV and AIDS were mere rumours and we believed it did not affect our demographic. How wrong we were.

Then in my late twenties I got married for the first time. The sex was okay. I’d say it was pedestrian with no experimentation or discussion about what worked and what didn’t. There was certainly never a discussion about what didn’t work. I know now that I was tap dancing around ego and hurt feelings.

I got divorced for the first time in my 30s and went straight into another relationship.

I’m of the generation that was defined by marital status. It didn’t matter how successful I was in my own right, what mattered was – are you married?

The sex was better. Fantasies were shared but never explored. I discovered pleasure was in my own hands. We married and had an extraordinary relationship which continues today, even after over 23 years of divorce.

We got divorced. The reasons were many, painful and rational.

I started the Lola Montez Brand in my 40s and started to explore what in the world all the fuss was about. For those of you who don’t know the story, I believed that no one would ever love me again. That I would never have sex again.

I was in my 40s, when sex is supposed to get really good for a woman and here, I was – alone. No husband to rely on or parade to my friends. I knew from reading popular magazines that orgasms are good for you. At the time Oprah was the oracle and she said that 200 orgasms a year will make you look 4 years younger. (I don’t think it was actually her but certainly some guest on her show).

No man on the horizon, no sex to be had so I decided to get myself BOB – a Battery-Operated Boyfriend. Am I pleased I did.

The Lola Montez Brand was born because my shopping experience had been so unpleasant. I felt cheap and dirty. When I left the adult shop with its beaded curtain, porn on a TV screen and sticky floors I decided that nobody should ever feel that dirty about their sexuality.

Lola Montez was the first female friendly boutique in South Africa and at the time one of a handful in the world. We were one of the first stores internationally that allowed customers to touch and feel the product before purchase. We offered product knowledge and real information – we still do.

In my 40s I experimented wildly. I was safer than I’d been in my 20s. As the Lola Montez Brand grew, I became more conservative. Either because I needed to protect the brand or because I was aging. I think it was a bit of both. 

I got back into a serious relationship. This time was different. We didn’t marry, we live apart and have been together for over 20 years. The sex is great because I am braver and more determined to attend to my own needs and pleasure.

My body has changed and what pleases me as well. Menopause had done its damage, but I navigate it with the help of HRT and buckets of lubricant. It is no secret that my libido has been lacking. It’s distressing especially since I am the one who gives advise on sex and relationships.

I have recently completed a course on Menopause Mentorship. It’s so I can understand it better and am able to help others. This year alone over a billion women will be in menopause and we are only now starting to talk about it. I think we are very far from understanding it.

We joke about it, especially our partners. Why wouldn’t they? They’ve made light of PMS, baby blues, periods and hormonal changes. My partner recently fact checked me on the information I shared about all the symptoms menopausal women can suffer from.

Now his social media pages are flooded with menopause information. Serves him right for fact checking me! Over dinner last week he shared that he was surprised that women are not more violent than they are. His view is that if all this stuff happened to men, not only would the blue pill be banned, but research would also have started decades ago and there would be significantly more serial killers.

I got 97% in my final test on the course I mentioned. I find it amusing and baffling that the only question I got wrong was about lubricant! Seriously? My area of expertise.

It’s a new era for me. I’m discovering a whole new side of pleasure and guess what?

Vibrators have an important place. Not only for pleasure but also for blood flow, collagen stimulation and keeping the nether bits peachy. We’ve started a whole new range called ‘Menopause Friendly’, so do check it out https://lolamontez.co.za/product-category/menopause-friendly/

I also have another Instagram Profile @Hotflushmama – It’s in its infancy and I’m still getting a handle on what to post but follow it anyway.

I’m looking forward to the next decade or more of intimacy. My ageism is getting in the way but I’m working on it. I’ve no doubt I’ll be giving you personal accounts.

I know that no matter where you are in your journey there will always be challenges.

Whether it is health, divorce, societal pressure, judgement, your mother’s voice, your

partner’s ego or your own insecurities you are allowed to experience pleasure.

Till next week.